Congratulations (Insert Winner Name) or Not

Wow! What a week this has been. Or has it? Did the world end? Did anyone win the election? Do I still need to pay taxes? Will my Amazon orders still arrive next week as promised?

I’m writing this week’s column about 24 hours before Election Day because 1) I’m under deadline and it needs to be filed on Tuesday 2) This week is going to be incredibly busy and 3) I’m going to take a guess that we’re not really going to know the results by the time this goes to print.

So, instead I’m going to play out some scenarios of where we might be by the time you read this.

Scenario 1: Trump Wins

Congratulations President Trump on a second term. The coronavirus is going great, as you say. Things are all going in the right direction. Unemployment, health care and the economy are all the best they’ve ever been, as you say. One thing concerning credit unions: Could you maybe in this second term give NCUA Chairman Rodney Hood a little help? You two are buddies. Credit unions would like some regulatory clarity and guidance to help expand membership, and increase our footprint to help the underserved and underbanked. Also, could you ask your Department of Justice to give us some ADA guidance? This would be a great win for everyone. Thanks!

Scenario 2: Biden Wins

Congratulations President-Elect Biden. What a campaign you and Kamala Harris ran. Listen, we’re hitting around 100,000 new coronavirus cases each day, could you do something about that? Also, the economy is as they say “in the toilet,” so if you could do something about that too, that would be great. One other thing, in your first term, could you do one simple thing that your running mate has done? Open an account with a credit union. You doing that one simple thing will send a very cool and clear message about the ­excellent work credit unions are doing for this country. Keep banking with the big banks that you’ve always dealt with, but just do this one little thing for us. Thanks!

Scenario 3: Ballot Counting Wins

Hello ballot-counters (probably in Florida and/or Pennsylvania and/or Wisconsin), I hope you are hanging (chad) in there. Crazy times, right? Do us all a favor and just try to do your jobs as you were trained to do. Don’t let any representatives from any political party influence the math you’re doing. Just count for a while, take a break and then count some more before you go home for the evening and do it all over again tomorrow. Also, CNN, FOX News and others are going to have cameras all in your face during this, so try to remember that it’s OK to say, “Excuse me, but you are distracting me from doing my job, I need you to move away.” We applaud your work and we don’t envy you right now. If you don’t mind the cameras, then maybe you will become the “Hanging Chad” person from the 2000 election. Remember that guy? Anyway, good luck and thanks!

Scenario 4: Lawyers Win

Hello lawyers. Remember when you were five years old and loved playing outside in the sun and the world was so big and fun? Well, now you are being paid a bunch of money to fight for one side of the political spectrum, and I’d like you to try and remember that the world is and can still be big and fun and filled with all kinds of sunshine to play in. Am I saying that you’ve lost your soul? No. I’m saying that you are playing a game that is incredibly serious and if you’re involved, well, that means things aren’t going so great right now. I’d ask you on behalf of everyone to use the law for what’s right and not just for what your client wants. I know, it’s a tough spot you’re in and the money is pretty sweet. Whatever legal arguments you come up with will eventually become part of a Netflix original series in the coming years. So, I look forward to watching your character be played by Rene Russo or Ben Affleck. Thanks!

Scenario 5: Supreme Court Decides

Oh my god, really? The Supreme Court? OK, fine. Well, ­hello ­justices. Get those robes dry cleaned because you are in for some once-in-an-every-20-years-of-a-lifetime event. Last time this happened, you might remember, your group decided to hand the election to the person who didn’t win the popular vote in the U.S. You remember Bush v. Gore and the 61,000 ballots in question? Anywhos, what you are dealing with is probably along the same lines of contested ballots, arguments about illegitimate votes, calls alleging election fraud, blah, blah, blah legal stuff.

I know your work is hard and brainy and incredibly politicized. May the thick law books you have behind your desk help guide your way to deciding who won the election. Thanks!

So, here we all are together in this reality, whatever it is. Some people are really happy while others are making claims that the election was rigged or manipulated. It’s a strange thing to write this to you, our future selves, because honestly we are in a frightening time with the pandemic, unemployment, the economy and even our mental states.

Wherever or however this election lands, I just hope whomever is in charge will take charge and do the right thing for this country. We are sick, we are dying and we are hurting. We are at a point in time where piling on the Presidential Election chaos isn’t helping anyone. I voted, my team voted and I hope all of you voted. After that, it’s up to those people I listed above to do their jobs and do the best they can for this country.

I hope all of you and your loved ones are healthy and well as millions of people are struggling to survive and simply not die. Let’s all do our best, no matter the election results, to help our neighbors and communities come back to something beyond a zombie apocalypse state of being.

OK, I think that about covers it.

Michael Ogden is editor-in-chief for CU Times. He can be reached at mogden@cutimes.com.