And Now … a Fake Awards Show

I’m really, really tired of talking about, thinking about, worrying about and dreaming about the coronavirus. This week I’ve decided to go a different route and do something we all enjoy – making fun of things.

Recently, I tuned in to the first virtual Senate Banking Committee hearing. If you ever want to feel smarter than every lawmaker, you should tune in next time. It’s like watching your grandparents try to use a webcam or an iPhone for the first time.

In honor of our senators’ efforts, I want to welcome you to the first-ever “Streamies Awards” to recognize some of the fantastically entertaining moments from this hearing.

To our first winner, for the “I’d Like to Turn Off My Webcam But Can’t Seem to Figure That Out” award goes to … Sen. Tom Cotton (R-Ark.).

Remember, when in doubt, just use your thumb. Congratulations Tom!

OK, calm down, we are just getting started. Next up, and this was a tough choice for the judges (me), but there was one clear winner for the award, “Best Use of an Empty Waiting Room at Your Doctor’s Office?” That one goes to … Sen. Brian Schatz (D-Hawaii).

Really Brian, all you’re missing are those stand-up ashtrays next to the seats. Nice work and I hope your appointment went well.

Our next award for “You Really Need to Get a New Router” goes to Sen. Tim Scott (R-S.C.).

We only heard maybe seven words of whatever you were talking about Tim.

This next award highlighted some special effects ingenuity. The “Best Use of a Mirror to Make the Room Look Bigger” award goes to … Sen. Jack Reed (D-R.I.).

You’re an inspiration to us all Jack – a true visionary (mirror joke).

This year’s “Best Product Placement” award goes to Sen. Mike Crapo (R-Idaho).

Subtle Clorox placement Mike.

And this year’s “Best Second Product Placement” award also goes to Sen. Mike Crapo.

First Clorox and then Purell. Did the Purell lobbyist call? Strange but bold move Mike.

Moving on.

This next winner truly set the standard for other senators. The winner for “Best Framed Webcam” goes to … Sen. Martha McSally (R-Ariz).

The lighting, framing and crisp look was refreshing. Also, is that a lightsaber behind you?

A special participation award this evening goes to Sen. Thom Tillis (R-N.C.).

Thom, your low camera angle mixed with an all-green room was … confusing, but showed real promise.

Tonight’s “I May Have Been Kidnapped” award goes to … Sen. Doug Jones (D-Ala.).

Blink twice if you’re OK Doug.

Our final award this evening reminded us of the loud and visually assaulting movies of Michael Bay. The “Mad About Plaid” award goes to … Sen. Patrick Toomey (R-Penn.).

Your dizzying choices triggered my vertigo and I loved every second of it. Congratulations Pat!

Well, that’s it for me and I want to thank all of the winners tonight for being such great sports and showing us that lawmakers are also having a tough time adjusting to this streaming world.

Goodnight everybody!

Michael Ogden is editor-in-chief for CU Times. He can be reached at mogden@cutimes.com.