Grief at Work: How to Manage It and Support Others

Life after the loss of a loved one can feel like a blur. Grief management is often a circuitous and unpredictable process. I often compare the process to the movements of the ocean, and I think author Vicki Harrison probably captured it best: “Grief is like the ocean; it comes on waves ebbing and flowing. Sometimes the water is calm, and sometimes it is overwhelming. All we can do is learn to swim.”

Learning to swim in life after loss can be a tall order, especially when you’re trying to balance daily life and work responsibilities. Unfortunately, two of our own CU Times staff members, including Editor-in-Chief Michael Ogden, are navigating these treacherous waters after losing their mothers in the past month.

With two losses taking place so close together within our team, we felt a need to discuss grief management, especially as it relates to work.

Dr. Sapna Doshi, director and licensed clinical psychologist at Mind Body Health in Arlington, Va., said when trying to manage grief, employees should check into their work’s bereavement and leave policies. “To the extent that you have an open, good relationship with your boss, let them know what’s going on,” Doshi emphasized.

If an employer doesn’t have a formal bereavement policy, it should explore establishing one. When an employee dedicates a large chunk of their daily life to a company, I think it’s fair that the company would support them in return.

Ogden said employers can support employees by giving them time off while they’re grieving. “That’s the biggest thing for me – and knowing that your team is there supporting you is also a big deal. Offering the resources of the company, whatever that might be, can be a huge relief as well; even if you don’t use it.” Ogden emphasized therapy, counseling and time off are probably the most important benefits an employer can offer while an employee is grieving.

Additionally, employees should practice self-care. Doshi said the first thing to remember is strong emotions require rest. “Don’t take on too much and don’t throw yourself into work by taking on extra because that could be a way to avoid dealing with your grief. See if there are tasks you can delegate for a short period of time while you go through the emotions,” Doshi said.

Ogden said he was stubborn enough to believe that he could work while helping care for his mother throughout pre-at-home hospice care, and during the nearly two weeks when her at-home hospice care was officially activated.

It was a mistake he said he didn’t realize until after his mom died. “Once my mom did die, I didn’t feel like my brain could take on any sort of work for at least a few days. I was working up to the hour she died at home, and I was back to at least attempting to work the next day because of deadlines,” Ogden said. He admitted it wasn’t a smart decision because it was too much to try and care for his mom and keep up with daily work, meetings and deadlines.

Because none of us know how to handle this grief thing perfectly, Doshi said it’s important to be forgiving of yourself and others during the process. She also suggested practicing mindfulness. “Pay attention to your own emotions and how you’re responding to them. Allow yourself to have the emotions, but choose to respond in a way that honors what’s important to you in your relationships. If being respectful, kind and a good communicator is important to you in your relationships, practice being that while you’re swimming in a pool of all kinds of emotions,” Doshi said.

It can also be challenging to figure out how to support someone else, such as a co-worker, who is grieving. When I’m in this situation, I’m constantly worried about not saying the right thing or fumbling my words, and I know I’m not alone.

Ogden suggested being supportive and saying something such as, “I cannot imagine what you’re feeling right now. You need anything from me, I’m here. Do what you need to do for you and your family. Anything else, I’m here for you.”

Avoid telling people to “be strong” or that “it was for the best, she was suffering.” Doshi said those phrases aren’t always helpful and can be hard to hear. Instead, use more supportive language such as, “I know this is hard and I’m here for you.”

Ogden said his loss hit particularly hard and that he’s still trying to wrap everything around his brain and comprehend what his future looks like. “Having an employer understand something like that might be very difficult, but if you can work for a manager who understands that concept, we’d have a more empathetic and thoughtful work environment for everyone,” he emphasized.

Tahira Hayes is a correspondent-at-large for CU Times. She can be reached at thayes@cutimes.com.