While we all havegood days and bad days, some people seem to be characterologically more difficult on a regular basis than others. Sometimes this seems to be who they are from a personality point of view – they have a rather negative mindset, they're grumpy, they don't smile much and just have a dark cloud that follows them around. There are others who recently seem more touchy and easily offended than they usually are. Their moodiness can be confusing to others (and offensive as well!). Or, an individual's behavior could be more severe – even toxic – creating conflict and chaos everywhere they go.
The World of Dysfunction
Welcome to the world of dysfunction – where individuals set up and try to live under a different set of rules than the "normal" world does. In a world ruled by dysfunctional principles, we begin to wonder if we are the only sane person at work, and are amazed that no one else seems to see the problems we do.
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When we work with dysfunctional colleagues, over time we begin to observe common behavior patterns for these dysfunctional individuals that seem to become "normal" for them. It can be helpful to comprehend how they think and the rules of life by which they live, so we can better understand why we become so frustrated by them.
Understanding Dysfunctional Colleagues
Dysfunctional colleagues have difficulty living within the rules of reality – most notably, with the relationship between choice, responsibility and consequences. They tend to denythey've made a poor choice, preferring to make excuses or blame others. A favorite phrase is, "It's not my fault."
Often, even when they are caught in the act of having made a poor choice, they deflect responsibility for the action. "Well, you should have . . ." "It's not that big a deal, everyone does it . . ." "They'll never know . . ." or "They'll take care of it."
Finally, toxic colleagues disconnect their actions from the results that flow from their choices. Sometimes they seem to have a glitch in their brain and can't see the connection between what they did and the result.
Like most personality types, toxic individuals can be found in virtually every level of an organization. However, the more dysfunctional a person is, usually the harder it is for them to advance, especially in healthy organizations where employees and leaders are held accountable. If you work with people, you will interact with toxic individuals – either as customers, vendors, direct reports, colleagues or supervisors.
Six Ways to Stay Sane
Don't expect them to respond "normally." No matter what you do, you may find yourself blamed or second-guessed or told you did the worst possible thing when you actually did something good. They may get angry if you talk to them and offended if you don't. To survive such attitudes or the wide variety of other dysfunctions, the sane approach is to give up expectations of getting healthy responses.
Accept the fact you can't change them. You're trying to get through to someone and you think, "It makes so much sense! Why don't you get it?" Working with a toxic colleague can make you feel like screaming at their stubbornness or what appears to be downright stupidity. Yet the truth is, no matter what you say or do, it's unlikely the person will listen or change.
Set Clear Boundaries. Be definite about what you will and will not do. You may hear, "You need to fix this because you helped make it go wrong" or that if you were a good person "you would help me out just this once," even though you see a pattern of bad choices. Most of us try to change the other person or give in to their demands, yet giving in reinforces their dysfunctional patterns. Carefully think through your boundaries and then clearly communicate them.
Don't Accept False Guilt. You may be blamed for someone else's problems or made to feel blame for not doing enough – even though all you could do was damage control. Many a dysfunctional person is good at loading guilt on others; ease it off your shoulders.
Don't Take it Personally. In toxic situations, gaining emotional distance isn't always easy. Yet just as a soldier isn't surprised when someone shoots at him, a manager shouldn't be surprised when upsetting things happen. Personal attacks and noxious behavior can jar your equilibrium, but try to gain perspective by considering the source.
Get Affirmation From Functional Peers. While dealing with a dysfunctional colleague, you may feel "fogged" and wonder how well you're handling the situation. Perhaps you thought you had things figured out, but now you're not so sure. Are you thinking clearly and responding appropriately? Check in with thoughtful colleagues who can help you think things through.
Employees who have unhealthy (and non-reality based) patterns of thinking tend to bring their distortions to the workplace, and eventually, create challenges and conflict with others. Learn to see the patterns of thinking and behavior early, and understand what is going on. Then do your best to address the problems in a direct, kind, but firm manner.
Dr. Paul White is a psychologist, speaker and consultant. He can be reached at 316-681-4431 or [email protected].
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